There are so many questions surrounding the idea of virginity: is it possible to lose my virginity to myself? Am I still a virgin if I masturbate? And the answer is complicated because there are different ideas about what virginity is.
Virginity is a social construct: it is something we have invented and imbued with meaning and morality. So while there are some common beliefs, essentially it is whatever we define it as.
What’s more, there is no way to check if someone is a virgin. Nothing necessarily changes in your body after engaging in sexual activity for the first time. This makes it very subjective and open to interpretation.
In reality, losing your virginity does not have a clear definition. It can actually mean different things to different people. Some, myself included, might also argue that the ruling is so morally charged that it does more harm than good and that we should change it to something more neutral.
I’ll get to that rant later in the post! But first I’ll answer your burning questions about virginity and masturbation!
Can I lose my virginity to myself?
Since virginity is a social construct and there are many different interpretations of virginity, only you can decide for yourself whether masturbation counts as loss of virginity. Your decision is likely influenced by your personal ideals, your religious beliefs, and the society in which you grew up.
Generally, most people in the U.S. believe that losing your virginity involves having sex, usually penetrative, with another person. So if you agree with this point of view, you cannot lose your virginity to yourself. In other words, you can masturbate and still be a virgin.
Masturbation is a totally normal and healthy part of life and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!
However, even when it comes to masturbation, not everyone agrees.
Some people still believe that the owner of a vulva loses virginity when the hymen is broken, either through sex or masturbation. However, this belief is scientifically incorrect: the hymen is not a biological marker of virginity loss. There is SO MUCH misinformation out there that I’ve dedicated an entire section to it below!
Also, keep in mind that this belief only applies to vulva owners. This sexism is another problem with many virginity beliefs!
How can I lose my virginity to myself?
As you can guess, this again depends on your definition. If you define losing your virginity as being penetrated for the first time, regardless of whether it’s by yourself or someone else, you can choose to use your fingers to start.
Whether you consider masturbation to mean losing your virginity or not, here are my top tips for first-time penetration:
- Wash your hands.
- Find a quiet, private space and create a warm, relaxing environment.
- Start by stimulating other sensitive areas of your body, such as the nipples or clitoris. This will help get you excited and allow your vagina to prepare for penetration.
- Use some water-based lubrication on your fingers and slowly stroke your clitoris and the opening of your vagina. You should notice that your lips become swollen and more sensitive and notice that you are producing natural lubrication.
- Slowly and gently slide a finger into the vaginal opening and let your body adjust to the sensations.
- Experiment by moving it in and out or stroking the front wall of your vagina to see what feels good.
- Remember, most vulva owners need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and it’s totally normal if you don’t orgasm the first time you masturbate. It may take some time to figure out what you like!
Are you still a virgin if you use a toy?
You guessed it! That totally depends on you and your beliefs! Following the general consensus that you only lose your virginity when you have sex with another person, most people would say that yes, you are still a virgin if you have used sex toys.
No matter what you believe, if you are using a sex toy for the first time, look for a small, dildo for beginners gold has vibrator for beginners. You’ll also want to take your time, make sure you’re fully aroused before trying to insert anything, and use plenty of lubrication.
What is virginity?
As I said, virginity is not something that exists physically or medically: it is a belief.
Still not sure? Take a look at these questions:
- Does penetrative sex count as losing your virginity?
- How about oral sex, fingers or handjobs? What if you are in a lesbian or gay relationship?
- If your hymen breaks, are you no longer a virgin?
- Does masturbating count as losing your virginity?
- Are you a virgin if you use sex toys?
Everyone will have different but totally valid answers, which shows that virginity depends on how we interpret it.
So now, let’s look at some of the different ideas about virginity and where they fall short!
Different interpretations of virginity
Traditionally, losing your virginity involves having PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex for the first time.
The focus on PIV sex is a heteronormative view that only focuses on sex between a man and a woman, which excludes the experiences of many LGBTQIA+ people. For example, it does not take into account sexual relations between two people with vulvas or two owners of penises. It also tends to exclude people who choose to engage in non-penetrative sexual activities. Two vulva owners, for example, can practice fingering and oral sex, but not penetrative sex, but they do not consider themselves virgins.
Many religions value and encourage virginity, and many teach that women especially must remain virgins until marriage. Some religions even require a woman to prove that she is a virgin before marriage, something that is technically impossible to prove. Of course, this is a very sexist approach as it shames women who do not remain virgins while men are free to have sex however they want.
Another related point of view is that the owner of a vulva is a virgin when her hymen is still intact and that a broken hymen shows that you are no longer a virgin. However, this is scientifically incorrect and there is no way to check if someone is a virgin.
Why the hymen is not a biological marker of virginity
While the belief that an intact hymen shows that the owner of the vulva is a virgin is not true, the belief still persists, especially within some religions, and some even perform so-called “virginity tests.” These incorrect ideas and practices can be very dangerous for vulva owners and can lead to shame and, in some cases, violence towards women who cannot prove that they are virgins. This makes it really important to educate people about what the hymen really is and how it has no relationship to sexual status.
It may cause women to feel the need to undergo surgery to restore their hymen.
Here’s why you can’t tell if someone has had sex by looking at their hymen:
- The hymen does not usually cover the entire vaginal opening. It is not a freshness seal like that found on yogurt! For most vulva owners, it is more like a strip of tissue around the vaginal opening and the shape and size varies from person to person.
- The hymen is elastic and may or may not break during penetrative sex.
- Not everyone is born with a hymen. Some women, naturally, don’t have it.
- The hymen can also be torn by everyday activities, such as playing sports or using a tampon.
So what is virginity really and what is considered losing it?
If losing your virginity isn’t just about breaking your hymen and isn’t limited to PIV or even penetrative sex, then what is?
The answer is: you have to decide for yourself! Whether you count your first sexual activity, like fingering or oral sex, as losing your virginity or decide that only penetrative sex counts is completely up to you!
Why I think we should get rid of the phrase losing your virginity
The term losing your virginity has some pretty horrible implications that go beyond simply describing the first time you have sex and can perpetuate some pretty harmful ideas.
First of all, virginity is closely linked to ideas of purity and innocence. It comes with the idea that when you have sex for the first time, you are no longer pure and innocent, which is not even remotely true.
Second, using the verb “lose” implies that you are missing out on something or giving up a part of yourself after having sex for the first time. Once again, this is not the case. You are missing nothing and less from a person after having sex for the first time.
Third, it is sexist. There is a greater expectation for women to remain virgins and they tend to experience more shame and negativity than men who choose to have their sexual debut at a younger age or outside of marriage. It is another way of policing women’s bodies and equates a woman’s worth with her sexual status.
Next, the traditional view of virginity excludes LGBTQIA+ people who do not engage in PIV sex.
Lastly, societal views on virginity put unnecessary pressure on people to maintain or lose their virginity at a certain age or time, rather than allowing them to make their own decision when they are ready.
Sexual debut: a better alternative to losing your virginity
I prefer the term sexual debut! This academic phrase does not have the same moral implications as the phrase losing your virginity. It also eliminates the idea of losing something in favor of a debut, which I think sounds a lot more glamorous!
Tips to enjoy the first time, regardless of the activity
No matter what your opinion on virginity is, there are some really important things to consider when having a new sexual experience. It’s normal to feel a little nervous when trying something new for the first time, but you should always make sure you feel confident and prepared. And remember, you can withdraw your consent at any time!
- Consent is essential! The acronym FRIES can help you remember the key elements of consent. Consent must be Freally given, Rreversible, Yoinformed, mygiven with enthusiasm, and Yesspecific for each activity.
- You should never feel pressured by an individual or peer pressure to do something you are not prepared to do or do not want to do.
- You should only take the next step when you feel physically and emotionally ready.
- Discuss your boundaries first and always make sure you trust the person you are with to respect your boundaries.
- Take each new experience in stride and give your brain and body time to adjust.
- If you feel any pain, stop and re-evaluate.
- Always make sure you are completely aroused before penetration.
- Use a good water-based lubrication.
- Don’t worry if you don’t have an orgasm the first time. Sex isn’t just about having orgasms: it’s about pleasure and connecting with your partner. Not to mention, focusing too much on having an orgasm can distract you and actually make it harder to have one!